Another Ribbon Confirmed, self empathy, and new beginnings.

It's been ten years since my first diagnosis. Well, 10 years and three months. Between here and there, the time is endless. My siblings put together a crazy plan to take D and me on a ten day trip somewhere. This has meant tracking down passports, arranging doggy baby sitting, and planning a once in the life time trip. As part of it, they asked me to find pictures of us. 

This is a normal request. Like most couples, we have an endless number of selfies and couple photos. You know the ones. D and me kissing on a bridge. D and me hugging on a beach. D and me and the dogs packing for an adventure. 

I dutifully went back ten years...pulling up pictures of an old me and an old him living our old lives. Me bald. Me fat. Me thin. Me with long hair. Me with short hair. Me bald. D not changing. His arms wrapped around me. His eyes soft and sweet. His laugh frozen on his lips. 

And then they stop. 

5 years ago, it's like someone came through with an exacto knife and sliced him out of my outward life. That is when this started. This being the start of the end of life as we knew it then. Multiple Sclerosis silently stole in through our window and silently snuck back out with my husband's, my best friend's, my love's energy and vitality. 

He sleeps most of the time now. We're working with doctors. We're going to support groups. It's summer. We can start building back up what we have lost and given up. Back home in Austin, our family and friends lift us up and shelter us without asking. He can't work, but gratefully, his disability kicks in this month. It's not a lot...but it definitely helps. 

There's this great video where Brene Brown talks about Empthy. I may have posted it before. It's beautifully illustrated with a bear, a cat/fox thing, and a goat. Anyway, in it. she talks about how empathetic statements rarely begin with "at least." 

She says empathy is a matter of meeting someone where they are at, being vulnerable with them, and sharing that emotional experience with them. This video changed my life in my relationship with others. 

Today, in a fit of rage and fear spilling out of me, in my head I said, "At least, he isn't dead. There are people who are dead you know." 

It stopped my mental storm cold. How can I be empathetic with others. if I can't be empathetic with myself. So I got into my head, and I turned into that giant bear, and I swept my little fox/cat/coyote self into my arms, and I said, "thank you for sharing with me, self. This is really hard."  

It didn't matter if the storm lifted. It didn't matter whether or not blue skies were up ahead. Even by myself, I am not alone. This is really hard, and there are lots of people surrounding us to make it a little better by just being here with us. 

PS D and I had the great fortune to be able to move home to Texas. I've been looking for work and found a job at the American Cancer Society. Per ACS social media policy, you will now see "The postings on this site are my own and do not necessarily represent the views of the

American Cancer Society” around my blog.